Finding Authentic Gratitude
Navigating Toxic Positivity and Honoring Genuine Emotions
“With the upcoming Holidays approaching fast, I find myself reflecting on the traditional Thanksgiving dinner practice of sharing what we are thankful for around the table before we enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. It makes me wonder, what am I genuinely grateful for and what am I programmed to recite as gratitude around the Thanksgiving dinner table? Does making our teens express their gratitude help them or hinder them?” -Ingrid Higgins, LMFT
Toxic Positivity vs. Practicing Genuine Gratitude
In today’s wellness culture, there’s a lot of emphasis on positivity and gratitude, and even an expectation around this particular Holiday to be thankful. But there’s a fine line between genuine gratitude and what is known as “toxic positivity”, where we push aside difficult emotions for the sake of forced optimism. While being positive has its place, true gratitude requires acknowledging all experiences, good and bad. And let’s face it, while Thanksgiving might seem like it should be a positive experience, for some it is not – especially our stressed teens who might be finishing college applications or worrying about their grades and all of the other stresses that come with High School. So, let’s explore the dangers of toxic positivity and how we can cultivate authentic gratitude in our own lives and the lives of the teens we love.
The Pitfalls of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is the insistence on maintaining an upbeat, positive attitude even in the face of hardship. It suggests that negativity, frustration, or sadness are “bad” and should be replaced by thoughts like “it could be worse” or “just look on the bright side.” While this might seem like a productive way to cope, in reality, it often shuts down our authentic emotional experiences. In my professional and personal experience, teens who are exposed to toxic positivity get very good at faking it, and masking what is really going on inside of them. Teens go throughout their day wearing the appropriate mask and feeling terrible about what really is behind that mask.
The problem with this mindset is that it dismisses the importance of difficult emotions. We are human: suffering, stress, and adversity are integral to our lives. By constantly pushing positivity, we risk invalidating our challenges and making it harder to process them. Rather than dealing with uncomfortable emotions head-on, toxic positivity encourages us to bury them, creating a cycle where our struggles remain unresolved.
The long-term effects can be detrimental. Suppressing seemingly negative or difficult emotions leads to more stress and disconnection from our authentic selves. It actually increases stress, builds resentment, and leads to feelings of isolation. We often hear our teen clients saying, “I know my life is good” and then naming all the things they should be positive about. This doesn’t seem to help their depression but instead adds guilt that maybe they are not appreciating what they have enough. Instead of promoting well-being, toxic positivity creates pressure and guilt, making us feel as though we’re failing if we don’t feel constantly upbeat.
Practicing Genuine Gratitude
Genuine gratitude is a mindful, balanced approach to life. It doesn’t deny hardship but acknowledges that even in difficult moments, there may still be things to appreciate. True gratitude embraces the complexity of emotions, allowing space for pain, joy, and everything in between. No emotion is labeled as “bad”, instead they are all seen as important messengers in life.
Rather than forcing ourselves to be grateful for everything, it’s about being intentional and realistic, avoiding jumping to worst-case scenarios. Jon Kabat Zinn refers to this potential blunder as “full catastrophe living,” a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion or feel they are in crisis when they are merely upset or sad.
Gratitude also helps to improve mental health by reframing how we view our lives. When we practice genuine gratitude, we stop judging our feelings as simply “good” or “bad.” Instead, we begin to see our emotions as a spectrum, with each playing an important role. Gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring pain or discomfort; it means finding value in all aspects of life, even when things aren’t ideal.
How to Balance Gratitude and Realism
So how do we find balance between practicing gratitude and acknowledging reality? Here are a few key strategies:
- Accept all emotions: It’s okay to experience challenging emotions. Instead of forcing positivity, allow yourself to feel discomfort, frustration, or sadness. Listen to what they are telling you, perhaps there is something in your life that needs to be addressed or changed.
- Practice Gratitude like no one is watching: Teens are especially sensitive to the judgements of others and giving them permission to not say the expected response can open them up to feeling what true gratitude is. This can be great for parents also: instead of saying what the right prescribed answer is for what you are thankful for, imagine that your gratitude is only for you and see if you can actually feel what makes you grateful, even if it’s not what society says is the right answer.
- Avoid comparisons: This is a big one! Teens and parents easily fall into the trap of comparing their internal experience to the external one others try to convey online. Everyone’s journey is different, and gratitude is a personal experience. Resist the urge to compare your life to others’, and focus on what you value in your own circumstances. As the iconic Roosevelt quote goes: Comparison is the thief of joy.
Ultimately, practicing genuine gratitude requires embracing life’s complexities, because after all, we humans are made up of them! Rather than pushing away difficult emotions for the sake of toxic positivity, we can cultivate a more meaningful sense of gratitude by acknowledging both the highs and lows and giving our teens permission to do the same.
By recognizing that gratitude can coexist with hardship, we create space for a fuller, more authentic range of emotions that nurture our well-being. Be sure to remind yourself of this as we proceed through the upcoming holiday season. And if you are someone you love could benefit from support during these coming months, do not hesitate to reach out. Our team is happy to guide you through the highs and lows. You can contact our office at (408) 628-0532 for more information!
Let’s embrace the complexities of life and cultivate authentic gratitude together.