​Safe Sex: Not Just About STDs and Pregnancy Anymore.
By:  Ingrid Higgins, LMFT
 
Teens have been taught about safe sex practices for decades.  Most teens are knowledgeable enough to know that you need to use protection to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or STD.  However, in today’s day and age, that information is not enough to truly practice “safe sex”. 
 
The issue of consent to engage in sexual activity as a college student is a topic that is now being addressed in a different way. Society has been forced to redefine “date rape”, and there is now the category of “nonconsensual sex” which is a way to define a “rape” that was not forced because the victim was incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.” (Oliver, Kelly, Americana (1553-8931), 15538931, Fall2015, Vol. 14, Issue 2). 
 
College students are encouraged to not just get consent, but to get “Affirmative Consent”.   Affirmative consent is defined as: the voluntary, mutual, and knowing decision among all parties to engage in sexual activity (Halley, 2016).
 
College students have to ask the questions, if you are incapacitated, can you honestly consent?  Does remaining silent and not saying no mean that you are saying yes?  Does shrugging your shoulders and saying “ok, I guess” mean yes?  Is desire equal to consent? 
 
Affirmative Consent is not a policy only for college Students.  High school students can just as easily find themselves in a situation that could be considered “date rape” or “nonconsensual sex”.  Rather then the traditional “no means no”, teens and young adults are asked to adhere to the concept that “yes means yes” instead. In order to avoid problems youth are encouraged to engage in a discussion about sexual activity, more then just a simple yes or nod of the head. 
 
To increase awareness about this new concept, We-Consent™ has developed a set of three apps that can be used on a smart phone to protect the parties about to engage in sexual activity.  We-Consent™ makes a recording of verbal affirmative consent, the What-About-No™ app provides a clear record of the answer of NO, and the Changed-Mind™ App can helps teens or young adults tell their partner “not now”, gently.
Link: http://protectequalsrespect.com/#!/pageOur
 
At CTFT, we believe that education is key.  Parents or educators who teach teens about safe sex should be encouraged to cover the topic of affirmative consent.  At CTFT we can help parents learn how to talk to teens about this difficult topic. 
If your teen or young adult has been a victim of “nonconsensual sex”, there is help available.  At CTFT our Therapists are trained to assess for rape and/or trauma associated with sexual assault.  Our staff specializes in a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help the victims heal.  Contact us today so that we may help you or your teen get on the road to recovery.

With the buzz of graduation season already underway, families are beginning to contemplate the changes that are about to happen in their families. Much has been written about the effect this transition has on the parents and the adolescent leaving, but what do we know about the siblings who are left behind? In the months leading up to the launch, they experience the effects of the preparation consuming the lives of their parents and the college student-to-be. They may realize that the show isn’t about them, but they often wish they had more of a supporting role. They might begin to realize that their experience at home is about to change, and that their relationship with their older sibling is changing also.
 
Oftentimes, older siblings take on the role of a “superhero” or “go to guide” to offer insight and solutions into everyday life situations. Younger siblings typically experience a sense of loss of companionship, support, and/or activity level in the house (fewer guests, phone calls, sporting events to attend, etc.) when their older sib moves away. Changes in the family system can include a second child moving up to the position of the oldest child at home, or becoming only kid at home. With fewer children to divide the parents’ attention, the remaining ones can experience increased pressure. Perhaps their parents become more focused on their younger kids personal or academic lives, or perhaps they are struggling to cope with the changes themselves.
 
Symptoms that a left-behind sibling may be challenged by the transition can include: Irritability, loneliness, isolation, anger, denial, a drop in grades, avoidance of family members, and/or increased sibling rivalry.
 
Parents can help by reflecting on their parenting style to see if it has changed. They can evaluate if the change is in the best interest of their younger child or part of their own coping process. They can also talk openly about the changes, validate feelings, give extra space and time, and help sibs to understand the transition by having a clear plan for who will take up the responsibilities of the sib who has moved out. Parents can also encourage their college student to keep in touch with their younger siblings.
 
Sometimes, no matter how much parents prepare for or discuss the change, their younger children may still have a difficult time. This is a natural season to connect with a therapist and explore the transition and its effects. A therapist will help develop coping skills, increase family communication, process the loss and identify the positives in the new situation. For families, having a child leave the nest is an organic phase of life to move through. Having an understanding of what to expect and how to support the process is beneficial to all.

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I’m excited to share some news with you about a local blog series I am participating in called “31 Days To A Better Life With Your Teen.”

On October 1, Los Gatos Teen Therapy will kick off a special month-long blog series for parents of teens in which 31 teen and family experts will come together to discuss behavior management and boundary setting, identifying and treating eating disorders, depression and self-harm, recognizing and addressing drug use, monitoring and preventing cyberbullying, improving family wellness and engagement, and many more topics. I was asked to contribute a guest article titled Is Your Teen Depressed? .

If you are interested in reading the articles, I invite you to sign up for the blog series at losgatosteentherapy.com/blog.html to receive the valuable tips and strategies directly to your inbox. You’ll also have an opportunity to share your stories and opinions by commenting on the articles and engaging with other readers.

Feel free to share news of this blog series with your friends and colleagues!

An Affirmation by Ingrid Higgins, LMFT

My body is a vessel.  It will carry me through this life.  I will take care of it to the best of my ability.  I will respect it.  I will love it. I will listen to each of its imperfections and the wisdom they have for me.  I will love the imperfections and care for them.

My body has so much wisdom! It holds my mind, it holds my spirit, and it holds my soul.  My body has a job. It carries me. It gives me energy. It holds my emotions. It holds my intelligence. It can bring life and sustain life. 

I will learn to listen to its wisdom. I will not starve it. I will not overload it. I will learn that if I am still and pay attention, my body will tell me just what it needs.  It knows when it is full.  It knows when it is hungry.  It doesn’t need a clock, or a point system, or a calorie counter. It has a system built inside that knows just the right amount of fuel to give it the energy it needs to carry me through the day.  I will not disrespect it or that system. 

My body knows when I am tired and it will tell me to rest.  It will tell me when I am stressed, and I will take a break. I will not envy other’s bodies, because I will remember that my vessel is created just for me and it has just what I need to take me through this life.  I will remember that all vessels come in different shapes and sizes and I will not compare it to others.

I am the captain of this vessel.  It was created for me, and I will make it what I want it to be.  I will demand the respect it deserves not just from others but from myself.  I will remember that while others can hurt my body, I do the majority of the damage to it myself.  I will not do that.  I will look for each flaw and I will embrace it and love it and ask it what it needs and I will hold it up in the utmost respect even in all of its imperfection. 

My body is perfect for me.  Flaws and all.  It will carry me through this life.

Author: Ingrid Higgins is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with teens. She can be reached at 408-579-9806, or by email at IngridHigginsMFT@gmail..com.