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Safe Sex: Not Just About STDs and Pregnancy Anymore.
By: Ingrid Higgins, LMFT Teens have been taught about safe sex practices for decades. Most teens are knowledgeable enough to know that you need to use protection to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or STD. However, in today’s day and age, that information is not enough to truly practice “safe sex”. The issue of consent to engage in sexual activity as a college student is a topic that is now being addressed in a different way. Society has been forced to redefine “date rape”, and there is now the category of “nonconsensual sex” which is a way to define a “rape” that was not forced because the victim was incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.” (Oliver, Kelly, Americana (1553-8931), 15538931, Fall2015, Vol. 14, Issue 2). College students are encouraged to not just get consent, but to get “Affirmative Consent”. Affirmative consent is defined as: the voluntary, mutual, and knowing decision among all parties to engage in sexual activity (Halley, 2016). College students have to ask the questions, if you are incapacitated, can you honestly consent? Does remaining silent and not saying no mean that you are saying yes? Does shrugging your shoulders and saying “ok, I guess” mean yes? Is desire equal to consent? Affirmative Consent is not a policy only for college Students. High school students can just as easily find themselves in a situation that could be considered “date rape” or “nonconsensual sex”. Rather then the traditional “no means no”, teens and young adults are asked to adhere to the concept that “yes means yes” instead. In order to avoid problems youth are encouraged to engage in a discussion about sexual activity, more then just a simple yes or nod of the head. To increase awareness about this new concept, We-Consent™ has developed a set of three apps that can be used on a smart phone to protect the parties about to engage in sexual activity. We-Consent™ makes a recording of verbal affirmative consent, the What-About-No™ app provides a clear record of the answer of NO, and the Changed-Mind™ App can helps teens or young adults tell their partner “not now”, gently. Link: http://protectequalsrespect.com/#!/pageOur At CTFT, we believe that education is key. Parents or educators who teach teens about safe sex should be encouraged to cover the topic of affirmative consent. At CTFT we can help parents learn how to talk to teens about this difficult topic. If your teen or young adult has been a victim of “nonconsensual sex”, there is help available. At CTFT our Therapists are trained to assess for rape and/or trauma associated with sexual assault. Our staff specializes in a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help the victims heal. Contact us today so that we may help you or your teen get on the road to recovery. Stephanie Chase, MFT InternAuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. With the buzz of graduation season already underway, families are beginning to contemplate the changes that are about to happen in their families. Much has been written about the effect this transition has on the parents and the adolescent leaving, but what do we know about the siblings who are left behind? In the months leading up to the launch, they experience the effects of the preparation consuming the lives of their parents and the college student-to-be. They may realize that the show isn’t about them, but they often wish they had more of a supporting role. They might begin to realize that their experience at home is about to change, and that their relationship with their older sibling is changing also.
Oftentimes, older siblings take on the role of a “superhero” or “go to guide” to offer insight and solutions into everyday life situations. Younger siblings typically experience a sense of loss of companionship, support, and/or activity level in the house (fewer guests, phone calls, sporting events to attend, etc.) when their older sib moves away. Changes in the family system can include a second child moving up to the position of the oldest child at home, or becoming only kid at home. With fewer children to divide the parents’ attention, the remaining ones can experience increased pressure. Perhaps their parents become more focused on their younger kids personal or academic lives, or perhaps they are struggling to cope with the changes themselves. Symptoms that a left-behind sibling may be challenged by the transition can include: Irritability, loneliness, isolation, anger, denial, a drop in grades, avoidance of family members, and/or increased sibling rivalry. Parents can help by reflecting on their parenting style to see if it has changed. They can evaluate if the change is in the best interest of their younger child or part of their own coping process. They can also talk openly about the changes, validate feelings, give extra space and time, and help sibs to understand the transition by having a clear plan for who will take up the responsibilities of the sib who has moved out. Parents can also encourage their college student to keep in touch with their younger siblings. Sometimes, no matter how much parents prepare for or discuss the change, their younger children may still have a difficult time. This is a natural season to connect with a therapist and explore the transition and its effects. A therapist will help develop coping skills, increase family communication, process the loss and identify the positives in the new situation. For families, having a child leave the nest is an organic phase of life to move through. Having an understanding of what to expect and how to support the process is beneficial to all.  John Souchak, MFTI
Most of us have experienced childhood fears. Some even anxiety. Often as adults we outgrow these fears, and it can be difficult to identify what is a typical childhood fear and what is not. For some teens, this type of fear isn’t something that you just “outgrow.” It is a constant pattern which can interfere with sleeping, eating, or hanging out with friends. Thoughts start to rise up, and with it, they become nervous or anxious. It’s like little flames that lick at their heels and won’t leave them alone. The thoughts continue, anxiety increases, and now the flames are all around them. Next the thoughts hold them mercilessly in their grip. It can feel like a monster or a dragon is ready to pounce. The dragon tells them, “if you don’t do my ritual someone will get hurt or die,” “things must be perfect, nothing can be out of order,” or “this world is unsafe, full of germs.” The more they think these thoughts (obsessions), the worse the thoughts get. The only thing that will make those go away is to count, tap something, or wash their hands excessively. Only then do the thoughts and feelings start to fade. The dragon vanishes. They feel relief for a while, but it’s not over--the dragon isn’t gone, it was only in a cave. And when the dragon creeps out of the cave again, maybe hours later or the next day, it's even stronger, and the thoughts and feelings are even bigger. So they count, they tap, they do what they can to make the feeling go away. As the pattern is repeated over and over (compulsions), it becomes more entrenched. It feels like they must count, they must take a certain number of steps, they must wash their hands. What started small becomes a flaming terror that rises up, over and over again. While this can be scary or depressing, teens don’t have to suffer. Through a therapeutic practice known as ERP (exposure response prevention), they can loosen the grip of the dragon. Step by step teens learn to expose themselves to the things that make them anxious and delay the compulsion. After working this way, the symptoms will reduce. Gradually, they learn to face the dragon. This doesn’t mean that the dragon vanishes forever, or they don’t have thoughts and feelings that are big and sometimes scary. Every time they are successful in delaying the compulsion it starves the dragon who eventually becomes smaller and smaller. The need to feed the dragon will pass, and they can become become the Dragon Master. Symptoms and Rituals of OCD Here are some common symptoms for teens struggling with OCD:
I have a friend. Her name is Worry. Her job is to protect me. When I have something important to do, she will push me to do it. She will make sure I do a great job. If I need to study, then she will make sure I do. If I need to practice before a game, she will make me. She ensures that I am kind to friends and respectful to authority figures.
However, sometimes she gets scared. She thinks others will hurt me. She wants to protect me. In order to keep me safe she must get really big, bigger even than me. She tells me all of the bad things about people so that I won’t try to be too close to them. Sometimes, if that doesn’t work, if I can still see the good in people, then she will start to attack me. She will tell me all of the bad things about myself. She will convince me that others do not like me. She is not mean; she is my friend. She does not want me to get hurt. She will do anything to protect me. When she gets like this, she is no longer my friend, Worry; she is now a monster named Anxiety. I should make her go away, but if I let her go, I might get hurt. I might not do well in school. She might be right; people can hurt me. So I let her live here in my room. She wears me down slowly. She has the power to hurt my body. She can give me headaches, neck aches, jaw aches, backaches and stomachaches. She can make sure I will never get rid of Worry, she will tie Worry to my back, but can do it in super sneaky ways so that I do not know Worry is there and think I am sick. My doctors, however, assure me this is the work of Anxiety. I learn how to recognize that that Anxiety and Worry do not define me. My friends don't define who I am. I am my own person and don't have to listen to Worry or Anxiety if I choose not to. I can stand up for myself. I can calm the Anxiety monster by practicing mindfulness. I can help my body heal from her effects by eating healthy foods and exercising. I can talk to others about what she says and learn that it is not true. I can replace her negative words with positive thoughts about myself. One of my best tools is not to fight Anxiety. Instead I invite her in. I listen to her. I feel her. Then she is happy. She wants to know that I have heard what she had to say, and then she will calm down and I will too. I assure her that I am okay and getting lots of help from my parents, my friends, my school, my church and my therapist. I have tools that help me to tame her. She is still there but she no longer hurts me. I know how to control her. A Demon Named PTSD
By Ingrid Higgins, MFT I have a demon; her name is PTSD. She is very strong and has the power to make me remember all of the things people have done to hurt me in the past. PTSD can create, in an instant, the same feelings of those past hurts and the same physical sensations. When she comes, it is very hard to be close to others. PTSD reminds me of how bad people have been in the past and why I should not trust anyone. She keeps me safe, so that no one can hurt me again. Symptoms of PTSD in adolescents may include:
PTSD can go unrecognized in adolescents because of the belief that it is caused by a huge traumatic event such as fighting in a war, or being in a tornado, or being held at gunpoint. In adolescents, the traumatic event might not be as easy to recognize. Bullying that might not seem that bad to others often traumatizes adolescents. Undisclosed abuse can also lead to PTSD. Treatment options are available. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is very effective with children, teens and adults. Research has proved its efficacy. As a certified EMDR therapist, I have seen the results in my practice and believe that doing this work in adolescence can prevent suffering later in life. There is a cure for PTSD. The first step is to ask for help. If you or someone you know is suffering, please reach out to me at (408) 579 - 9806 or through the contact form on this site I’m excited to share some news with you about a local blog series I am participating in called “31 Days To A Better Life With Your Teen.”
On October 1, Los Gatos Teen Therapy will kick off a special month-long blog series for parents of teens in which 31 teen and family experts will come together to discuss behavior management and boundary setting, identifying and treating eating disorders, depression and self-harm, recognizing and addressing drug use, monitoring and preventing cyberbullying, improving family wellness and engagement, and many more topics. I was asked to contribute a guest article titled Is Your Teen Depressed? . If you are interested in reading the articles, I invite you to sign up for the blog series at losgatosteentherapy.com/blog.html to receive the valuable tips and strategies directly to your inbox. You’ll also have an opportunity to share your stories and opinions by commenting on the articles and engaging with other readers. Feel free to share news of this blog series with your friends and colleagues! An Affirmation by Ingrid Higgins, LMFT
My body is a vessel. It will carry me through this life. I will take care of it to the best of my ability. I will respect it. I will love it. I will listen to each of its imperfections and the wisdom they have for me. I will love the imperfections and care for them. My body has so much wisdom! It holds my mind, it holds my spirit, and it holds my soul. My body has a job. It carries me. It gives me energy. It holds my emotions. It holds my intelligence. It can bring life and sustain life. I will learn to listen to its wisdom. I will not starve it. I will not overload it. I will learn that if I am still and pay attention, my body will tell me just what it needs. It knows when it is full. It knows when it is hungry. It doesn’t need a clock, or a point system, or a calorie counter. It has a system built inside that knows just the right amount of fuel to give it the energy it needs to carry me through the day. I will not disrespect it or that system. My body knows when I am tired and it will tell me to rest. It will tell me when I am stressed, and I will take a break. I will not envy other’s bodies, because I will remember that my vessel is created just for me and it has just what I need to take me through this life. I will remember that all vessels come in different shapes and sizes and I will not compare it to others. I am the captain of this vessel. It was created for me, and I will make it what I want it to be. I will demand the respect it deserves not just from others but from myself. I will remember that while others can hurt my body, I do the majority of the damage to it myself. I will not do that. I will look for each flaw and I will embrace it and love it and ask it what it needs and I will hold it up in the utmost respect even in all of its imperfection. My body is perfect for me. Flaws and all. It will carry me through this life. Author: Ingrid Higgins is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with teens. She can be reached at 408-579-9806, or by email at IngridHigginsMFT@gmail..com. |
Articles written by Ingrid Higgins, MFTArchives
February 2019
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